Ive spent most of this weekend in "little" mode. Purely out of mental and emotional well being. Friday was a terrible day. 6 hours in hospital will do that to a person. I could feel my sanity skidding away quickly, even taking on some brattitude with the Boss. I'm not a brat. In fact i pride myself on trying to always be on my best behavior, occasional fuck-ups aside.
I am totally digressing. I do that too. Talk to much. But only in text. In person im the complete opposite. Unless its necessary that I speak, I rarely speak unless spoken to.
So "Little" mode. I always thought my inner little was about 13 or 14. A flirt. A tease. Totally aware of what i was doing to get the men thinking dirty thoughts about me. And I am that girl sometimes. When I'm stressed, i regress even further to about 7 or 8. The shy quiet little girl that just wants to color and spend time with her Daddy. The girl that wants to go look at puppies at the pet shop, or use her best pleading "Please Daddy" when she wants ice cream.
Its my habit to overanalyze things. My brain is always humming over everything. I enjoyed spending time as that little girl. The humming stopped, and i daydreamed i was sat at the Bosses feet in knee socks and pigtails just reading and coloring. I didnt have to worry about a thing.
This is definately something i want to keep and go even deeper into.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
All chained up, nowhere to go
I didnt want to do a night by night documentation of my week of behavior modification training because my thoughts and emotions were all over the map during that time.
In my previous entry i mentioned that my consequence for playing with my new knife and leaving marks on my skin was to spend a week sleeping tightly bound in cold metal chain. the chain passed around my neck, crisscrossed my chest tightly, curved around my hips, and split my pussy lips. all locked together with a large combination master lock. The chain itself was about 10 ft in length and weighed about 20 lbs.
In addition, if i was needing to pee during the night, i was to crawl on hands and knees to the toilet like a pup, and if i needed a drink, use my water bowl, not a water bottle or cup.
The first night was hell. I was already devastated that i had disappointed my Sir in such a way after he had been so gracious to me the night before. I tossed and turned and got the chain tangled, and it dug into my skin and choked me constantly.On top of that, Sir was away and unable to be contacted which added to my mental fragility. I got zero sleep. The next morning after a brief discussion with Sir, i was permitted to go back to sleep without the chains, on the floor where owned property belongs, as well as pups.
A reconfiguration of the chains was necessary. I could not go 6 more nights in that agony, but i refused to beg release from my punishment. i earned it, and i was determined to see it through. not only to prove i could. i dont think he ever doubted that i could, but because i wanted to show how sorry i was for taking such liberties, and how grateful i was for his patience and willingness to assist in my behavior modification.
Once the chain reconfiguration happened, i was able to actually sleep. it wasnt exactly comfortable. It wasnt meant to be. but i was able to sleep without feeling fear or anxiety.
I'll be honest. I hated every hour of that training. HATED IT. The chain is cold and it hurts. and if you move to quickly, it presses into your cunt like a damn vise. And you wake up with chain indentations all over your skin that take forever to fade. Dont let those Gorons tell you its pleasurable. its not.
How i kept my complaining to a minimum, I have no idea. I think it was the trepidation that complaining would get me nothing but more time chained up was the main thing keeping me from complaining to the Boss. Writing this now may earn me more time. I needed to be honest though.
I learned my lesson. No doubt about that. What I did was foolish and reckless.
In my previous entry i mentioned that my consequence for playing with my new knife and leaving marks on my skin was to spend a week sleeping tightly bound in cold metal chain. the chain passed around my neck, crisscrossed my chest tightly, curved around my hips, and split my pussy lips. all locked together with a large combination master lock. The chain itself was about 10 ft in length and weighed about 20 lbs.
In addition, if i was needing to pee during the night, i was to crawl on hands and knees to the toilet like a pup, and if i needed a drink, use my water bowl, not a water bottle or cup.
The first night was hell. I was already devastated that i had disappointed my Sir in such a way after he had been so gracious to me the night before. I tossed and turned and got the chain tangled, and it dug into my skin and choked me constantly.On top of that, Sir was away and unable to be contacted which added to my mental fragility. I got zero sleep. The next morning after a brief discussion with Sir, i was permitted to go back to sleep without the chains, on the floor where owned property belongs, as well as pups.
A reconfiguration of the chains was necessary. I could not go 6 more nights in that agony, but i refused to beg release from my punishment. i earned it, and i was determined to see it through. not only to prove i could. i dont think he ever doubted that i could, but because i wanted to show how sorry i was for taking such liberties, and how grateful i was for his patience and willingness to assist in my behavior modification.
Once the chain reconfiguration happened, i was able to actually sleep. it wasnt exactly comfortable. It wasnt meant to be. but i was able to sleep without feeling fear or anxiety.
I'll be honest. I hated every hour of that training. HATED IT. The chain is cold and it hurts. and if you move to quickly, it presses into your cunt like a damn vise. And you wake up with chain indentations all over your skin that take forever to fade. Dont let those Gorons tell you its pleasurable. its not.
How i kept my complaining to a minimum, I have no idea. I think it was the trepidation that complaining would get me nothing but more time chained up was the main thing keeping me from complaining to the Boss. Writing this now may earn me more time. I needed to be honest though.
I learned my lesson. No doubt about that. What I did was foolish and reckless.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Mistakes
I just acquired a new knife. a small winchester fixed blade.
That wasnt my mistake. My mistake was playing with it without the expressed permission of my Sir. I barely breathe without seeking His approval. I don't know what i was thinking.
I couldnt not tell Him of my misstep. To hide it and lie would be inexcusable and i gather i could consider myself permanently released from His presence.
To my Sir:
Your girl is deeply sorry for not following the directed protocol of asking Your permission before playing with any toy, and leaving marks on my skin that do not have Your previous directive or approval. i fear i have taken advantage of Your constant generosity in spoiling me rotten. i can only sit silently at Your feet and hope to regain the ground i have lost.
always,
Your owned cunt kara
That wasnt my mistake. My mistake was playing with it without the expressed permission of my Sir. I barely breathe without seeking His approval. I don't know what i was thinking.
I couldnt not tell Him of my misstep. To hide it and lie would be inexcusable and i gather i could consider myself permanently released from His presence.
To my Sir:
Your girl is deeply sorry for not following the directed protocol of asking Your permission before playing with any toy, and leaving marks on my skin that do not have Your previous directive or approval. i fear i have taken advantage of Your constant generosity in spoiling me rotten. i can only sit silently at Your feet and hope to regain the ground i have lost.
always,
Your owned cunt kara
Thursday, March 17, 2011
March 17, 2011
time: 7:15 am
mood: happy
and tired. Getting up early is tough on my system. Its worth it when it pays off though, like this morning. Its never enough time but the hour I spent was nice, especially after 2 days of not.
I'm moving a bit slower today. Still incredibly sore from my training yesterday. So silly of me to purchase such a toy without the proper preparation. I'm determined to make it work though, and shall devote a little time each day to working on it
mood: happy
and tired. Getting up early is tough on my system. Its worth it when it pays off though, like this morning. Its never enough time but the hour I spent was nice, especially after 2 days of not.
I'm moving a bit slower today. Still incredibly sore from my training yesterday. So silly of me to purchase such a toy without the proper preparation. I'm determined to make it work though, and shall devote a little time each day to working on it
Progress up to March 16, 2011
I'm startled to notice that its already been a month since i've begun training. Time seems to have no meaning. It never does really. 3 hours can fly by like it was 20 minutes. and that 3 hours is never ever enough time.
Ive been learning the basics of boot worship, in terms of the upkeep and care of leather boots. Very soon i will be acquiring a pair to restore and practice with.
Oral service training and Anal training have begun again, the former a work in progress, the latter much to my delight. Ive been using my medium sized plug for 90 mins at a time.
The other day, i was granted permission to play with clove oil again for the first time in a very long time. i had forgotten the initial painful burn that comes with it, but that burn turns into a pleasurable radiating heat that forces your bits to involuntarily get very wet.
I'm glad that even though my tolerance for impact pain has disappeared, my enjoyment of applied pain remains intact.
I decided that i needed a new, more realistic toy to aid in my oral service training. I purchased one and it arrived today. Much bigger than i expected. Too big to be honest. Ive always been very tight vaginally but could handle the average vibes and my ex's cock with no issues. This toy has a 5" girth which is proving too much for me. I could get the head and about 1" in before i had to stop from the pain. Priding myself on being an anal slut, i cleaned up the toy and tried there. same problem. only the head and barely before the pain proved to be unbearable.
Emotionally, this is proving to be a crushing disappointment for me because i feel like i'm failing in my service, and will prove to be of no use. Ive already lost my masochisim, possibly permanently. Shall i lose everything else as well?
i was told not to worry, and to progress slowly with my training. its that faith in my abilities that is keeping me from having a full on collapse of confidence.
Ive been learning the basics of boot worship, in terms of the upkeep and care of leather boots. Very soon i will be acquiring a pair to restore and practice with.
Oral service training and Anal training have begun again, the former a work in progress, the latter much to my delight. Ive been using my medium sized plug for 90 mins at a time.
The other day, i was granted permission to play with clove oil again for the first time in a very long time. i had forgotten the initial painful burn that comes with it, but that burn turns into a pleasurable radiating heat that forces your bits to involuntarily get very wet.
I'm glad that even though my tolerance for impact pain has disappeared, my enjoyment of applied pain remains intact.
I decided that i needed a new, more realistic toy to aid in my oral service training. I purchased one and it arrived today. Much bigger than i expected. Too big to be honest. Ive always been very tight vaginally but could handle the average vibes and my ex's cock with no issues. This toy has a 5" girth which is proving too much for me. I could get the head and about 1" in before i had to stop from the pain. Priding myself on being an anal slut, i cleaned up the toy and tried there. same problem. only the head and barely before the pain proved to be unbearable.
Emotionally, this is proving to be a crushing disappointment for me because i feel like i'm failing in my service, and will prove to be of no use. Ive already lost my masochisim, possibly permanently. Shall i lose everything else as well?
i was told not to worry, and to progress slowly with my training. its that faith in my abilities that is keeping me from having a full on collapse of confidence.
as a positive conclusion, Ive very much enjoyed my transformation into a puppy. even making my own ears and learning about puppy play. i dont think im so keen on barking too much, more the pup side of needing attention and a firm but loving hand overseeing my training. Daddys pitbull. thats me... WOOF!
Stay tuned for more progressions and updates. My sore bits and I are going to bed
My training journal
Ive decided to start chronicling my training and progress. Considering i'm so bad at updating this thing, Ive no clue how well thats going to go. I probably need to be ordered to to it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)